change is inevitable but progress is not. sometimes we try our best to accept the change and move forward but being humans, we simply cant erase our memories. Nightmares, fears and insecurities...all have same roots. Dig in and you will find an incident behind our daily responses....like i said we cnt remove our memories...our beloved ones...our parts.

I have crossed all lines! Right now it feels good but i know time makes you pay for every little joy. Sometimes we run after things that we can have and the moment we get them we look back and get amazed at our journey. Life takes unexpected turns. Who can say what it will bring in future? i never knew this year will change my personality! i never knew things will change so much that it will be difficult to understand what life was one year back. This is what life is. It changes continually. We act like stupids when we get worried about future! what ever has to come will come and the best of way of getting through time is accepting it silently....

Matthew Perryman Jones - Feels Like I'm Letting Go

Oh my love
help me open my heart again
tear it open let the rain fall in
wash this hardness underneath my skin
oh my love
let me hear your voice come through
I wanna know the love inside of you
make this dark heart believe in what is true


I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go
I know that in my heart that I fear what I don't know


and this feels like I'm letting go
and this feels like I'm letting go
I'm letting go


t's hard to trust
when your hearts been broken times before
you pull the curtains and you lock the doors
swear you'll never go out anymore


Bm
well I'm stepping out
I can't see there is no sound
a seeming void becomes a solid ground
I sight I lost becomes a faith I've found


I'm letting go, I'm letting go
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
letting go, I'll let it go

Bird York - In The Deep

18th of december!

certainly somethings are lost forever but the pain lingers on. I still remember the moment i heard about your demise. It was so sudden and unexpected that i couldn't utter a single word.I was unable to cry and i felt that i can't stand on my feet anymore. i remember how i closed my eyes and fell on the ground. I still remember that for the first time in my life i didn't know what this fact actually meant. I looked around myself and saw tears every where. It was freaking cold and my hands and feet were cold. My mind acted in a weird way and i started believing that its just a bad dream and i am gonna wake up! people start coming in. some were crying and some were happy. I saw all of them. I couldn't utter even a single word. I was angry and i didn't want to cry. I just wanted to remain angry. I wanted to fight with the universe for doing this to me. and then i saw you lying on your death bed. Damn you were still smiling!  i wanted to wake you up and my mind was so freaked out that i swear i saw you breathing! i wanted to tell everyone that you are alive and nobody needs to cry. i so wanted to touch your face but i knew that nobody would allow me to touch you. I remember all of it. I was sitting right behind you when people came to take you away. I wanted to stop them and kiss you for the very last time. I didn't want to let you go away but i couldn't say anything! i never felt so helpless in my entire life!  i started running after them and i crossed the threshold and i was standing in the cold and i saw you going away...that was the last time i saw you!  

5 years have passed and i still cant believe that you are not with me. i still dream that you are alive and you have come back! 

i wish i could accept the reality. 

i miss you more and more with every passing day. You are right here within me. 

I miss myself...i miss you dad!

....that is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of bride, inability to arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."
Zahir by Paulo Coleho

but how can you forget parts of your soul and entire existence? ??

I wish I knew how to quit you!


-Brokeback Mountain

am i ready to say Goodbye??

Whenever something comes in my way i stop for a moment to think about the way i should respond. Why do we have to give "normal" responses? why we can't be open and honest with ourselves and yeah...also with others. Why people have these walls around themselves and why do they try to be so strong when they are not? i think about it and i just know one thing for sure that i hate hypocrisy. I am what i am and i don't want to hide my feelings. If i am getting affected by something why should i hide it? ???
Having said that i just want to get to the fact...! to the truth that's troubling me . Yeah i am gonna miss you in a way that i can't make myself understand. I asked myself that why i am gonna miss you, when i ignored you so much when you were here! i asked myself again and again that your departure won't change anything in my life..in my routine. I'll be busy like before..perhaps i would try to make myself busy more than ever. So it doesn't matter if you are here or thousand miles away...! it shouldn't matter...! logically and practically


But guess what???... this rationalization won't change the fact that i am gonna miss you..m already missing you..terribly..horribly.. hating myself for ignoring you like this. Duh! it's not the kind of  story that i wanted to have with you...it's creepy and weird. 
But i am afraid  i don't have any choice over here. 


Well i should pretend that i am really happy that you are going and i should give you a big smile and a gift...and wish you luck and all those "Normal" things that people do...
but the problem is that i am not normal..so m not gonna pretend that i am happy for you and i wont meet you on airport...but yeah i'll buy a gift for you cz i think it would be terribly cold over there and i want you to remain warm...with or without me! 




P.S i hate you for not telling me that you are going...hearing it from mom was the worst thing that you ever did to me! 

“I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature. I discovered that I am not disciplined out of virtue but as a reaction to my negligence, that I appear generous in order to conceal my meanness, that I pass myself off as prudent because I am evil-minded, that I am conciliatory in order not to succumb to my repressed rage, that I am punctual only to hide how little I care about other people’s time. I learned, in short, that love is not a condition of the spirit but a sign of the zodiac.” 
― Gabriel García Márquez, Memories of My Melancholy Whores

The Fray - Never Say Never

Don't let me go..............!

Adaline - "Say Goodbye (I Won't Even)" as heard on "Grey's Anatomy"

You and I together, we play games to get along
Jilted by forever, wide-eyed beauty far gone
But you're not there, and I don't even care
I won't even say goodbye
No, I won't even say goodbye
Oh no
Stepping on each other, you dream I have a different face
Defeated by my cover, different legs stand in my place
But you still stare, and I don't even care

The Jesus And Mary Chains - Just Like Honey (Demo Oct'84) (D)

Demise of an acquaintance!

People "died" all the time.... Parts of them died when they made the wrong kinds of decisions - decisions against life. Sometimes they died bit by bit until finally they were just living corpses walking around. If you were perceptive you could see it in their eyes; the fire had gone out... you always knew when you made a decision against life.... The door clicked and you were safe inside - safe and dead.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I wish you hadn't committed suicide...May Your soul rest in peace..Ameen!

Pink Floyd - Coming Back to Life - Division Bell

"People always remain the same but time changes, so there is no going back. We can't hold on to two things for a long time. In fact, we need to choose one path and after choosing it, we have to sail on the same sea for many years to come. But sometimes what ever we choose, either way we lose."

NMQ.

LAMBI JUDAAI By RESHMA (VERY SAD SONG)

Why do we run after our temporal desires when we know they are not going to last forever? Human race can't make any difference to this world. We all try to feel we are important people. We like to think world was made for us but we are just raising fallible notions in our minds. We smile and laugh even when the person siting besides us cries frrom the bottom of his heart. We pretend to be indifferent to the evils and miseries of life. No matter what happens we try to remain strong, showing we are so brave and optimistic. We hang out with our "friends" knowing they don't love us as much as we love them. We try to make sacrifices for those who are dear to us but while doing so we are always faced by some despair and reluctance. We like people, get close to them and start wanting them. We like to call it love. We care about those who are close to us but its very hard to decide wether we should care or not. We expect love when we give it and we demand care when we take care of someone. So where does this whole argument lead us?
We just love ourselves. When we love others we trigger an emotional reaction to  get loved by them as well. When we care for others, we actually play our part to get care from them. Thats what we do. All the time we just keep on loving ourselves. Even when we submit ourselves to His grace, we do it to get His love and blessings. Greed is the innermost trait of human beings. Greed is part of our nature and it's not easy to supress it. Martyrs are the grace of humanity. Greed for a never ending life exists in almost every human soul. Blessed are those who kill their inner demons and hand over their lives to the Great Lord. Immortality was never meant for human beings. Nothing related to us will ever be immortal. We all will die and we should live like we are dying...!

whenever i read an incomprehensible philosophy by Kahlil Gibran or Fyodor Dostoevsky or many other great writers, i feel like discussing it with an old friend. I leaf through books only to find dt knowldge doesn't make any sense if u cnt share it with an inquisitive soul....n d hardest part is, even if someone says something simple i look around to discuss it with u! I miss u ....!

Silence has more eloquence than speech but not always. I firmly believe in the notion that actions speak louder than words. If somebady can't undertsand your silence he also can't understand your words. Sometimes i think it's just a fancy talk but yet again some events convinced me that comfortable silence between two people is as good as a long conversation. Silence and words are part of any relationship. We mostly conquer people with our words but the heart conquered by a confounding silence turns into a territory which becomes yours forever. I am carrying this silence within me and i know one day i would break it with some powerful words.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But I am afraid that instead of melting your heart, my words would turn into ice, freezing the incomprehensible hollowness of our invisible connection!

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Whole universe conspires against us and don't let us forget anything. Today I read these words and in an instant i got to know that it's hard to get over somethings. No matter how hard you try, you just can't forget an incomplete story. We keep on making ourselves strong and remove all those things from our lives who make us remember old times. We like to think, we can get over someone and move on, but is it that simple? If it's true that life doesn't stop because of anyone then why do we stop for a moment when our past haunts us? There is no such thing as completely " forgetting" . Once someone gets in your heart and brain, he becomes a part of it. You can't forget someone completely. Memories keep on hitting us again and again  just like waves, but if they stay for a long time, they become a part of us. You have become a part of me and i just can't cut it off. I have moved on but deep down inside i know that i am still there.........like i said there is no such thing as "forgetting you"!