Bird York - In The Deep

18th of december!

certainly somethings are lost forever but the pain lingers on. I still remember the moment i heard about your demise. It was so sudden and unexpected that i couldn't utter a single word.I was unable to cry and i felt that i can't stand on my feet anymore. i remember how i closed my eyes and fell on the ground. I still remember that for the first time in my life i didn't know what this fact actually meant. I looked around myself and saw tears every where. It was freaking cold and my hands and feet were cold. My mind acted in a weird way and i started believing that its just a bad dream and i am gonna wake up! people start coming in. some were crying and some were happy. I saw all of them. I couldn't utter even a single word. I was angry and i didn't want to cry. I just wanted to remain angry. I wanted to fight with the universe for doing this to me. and then i saw you lying on your death bed. Damn you were still smiling!  i wanted to wake you up and my mind was so freaked out that i swear i saw you breathing! i wanted to tell everyone that you are alive and nobody needs to cry. i so wanted to touch your face but i knew that nobody would allow me to touch you. I remember all of it. I was sitting right behind you when people came to take you away. I wanted to stop them and kiss you for the very last time. I didn't want to let you go away but i couldn't say anything! i never felt so helpless in my entire life!  i started running after them and i crossed the threshold and i was standing in the cold and i saw you going away...that was the last time i saw you!  

5 years have passed and i still cant believe that you are not with me. i still dream that you are alive and you have come back! 

i wish i could accept the reality. 

i miss you more and more with every passing day. You are right here within me. 

I miss myself...i miss you dad!

....that is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of bride, inability to arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."
Zahir by Paulo Coleho

but how can you forget parts of your soul and entire existence? ??

I wish I knew how to quit you!


-Brokeback Mountain

am i ready to say Goodbye??

Whenever something comes in my way i stop for a moment to think about the way i should respond. Why do we have to give "normal" responses? why we can't be open and honest with ourselves and yeah...also with others. Why people have these walls around themselves and why do they try to be so strong when they are not? i think about it and i just know one thing for sure that i hate hypocrisy. I am what i am and i don't want to hide my feelings. If i am getting affected by something why should i hide it? ???
Having said that i just want to get to the fact...! to the truth that's troubling me . Yeah i am gonna miss you in a way that i can't make myself understand. I asked myself that why i am gonna miss you, when i ignored you so much when you were here! i asked myself again and again that your departure won't change anything in my life..in my routine. I'll be busy like before..perhaps i would try to make myself busy more than ever. So it doesn't matter if you are here or thousand miles away...! it shouldn't matter...! logically and practically


But guess what???... this rationalization won't change the fact that i am gonna miss you..m already missing you..terribly..horribly.. hating myself for ignoring you like this. Duh! it's not the kind of  story that i wanted to have with you...it's creepy and weird. 
But i am afraid  i don't have any choice over here. 


Well i should pretend that i am really happy that you are going and i should give you a big smile and a gift...and wish you luck and all those "Normal" things that people do...
but the problem is that i am not normal..so m not gonna pretend that i am happy for you and i wont meet you on airport...but yeah i'll buy a gift for you cz i think it would be terribly cold over there and i want you to remain warm...with or without me! 




P.S i hate you for not telling me that you are going...hearing it from mom was the worst thing that you ever did to me! 

“I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature. I discovered that I am not disciplined out of virtue but as a reaction to my negligence, that I appear generous in order to conceal my meanness, that I pass myself off as prudent because I am evil-minded, that I am conciliatory in order not to succumb to my repressed rage, that I am punctual only to hide how little I care about other people’s time. I learned, in short, that love is not a condition of the spirit but a sign of the zodiac.” 
― Gabriel García Márquez, Memories of My Melancholy Whores

The Fray - Never Say Never

Don't let me go..............!

Adaline - "Say Goodbye (I Won't Even)" as heard on "Grey's Anatomy"

You and I together, we play games to get along
Jilted by forever, wide-eyed beauty far gone
But you're not there, and I don't even care
I won't even say goodbye
No, I won't even say goodbye
Oh no
Stepping on each other, you dream I have a different face
Defeated by my cover, different legs stand in my place
But you still stare, and I don't even care

The Jesus And Mary Chains - Just Like Honey (Demo Oct'84) (D)

Demise of an acquaintance!

People "died" all the time.... Parts of them died when they made the wrong kinds of decisions - decisions against life. Sometimes they died bit by bit until finally they were just living corpses walking around. If you were perceptive you could see it in their eyes; the fire had gone out... you always knew when you made a decision against life.... The door clicked and you were safe inside - safe and dead.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I wish you hadn't committed suicide...May Your soul rest in peace..Ameen!

Pink Floyd - Coming Back to Life - Division Bell

"People always remain the same but time changes, so there is no going back. We can't hold on to two things for a long time. In fact, we need to choose one path and after choosing it, we have to sail on the same sea for many years to come. But sometimes what ever we choose, either way we lose."

NMQ.

LAMBI JUDAAI By RESHMA (VERY SAD SONG)

Why do we run after our temporal desires when we know they are not going to last forever? Human race can't make any difference to this world. We all try to feel we are important people. We like to think world was made for us but we are just raising fallible notions in our minds. We smile and laugh even when the person siting besides us cries frrom the bottom of his heart. We pretend to be indifferent to the evils and miseries of life. No matter what happens we try to remain strong, showing we are so brave and optimistic. We hang out with our "friends" knowing they don't love us as much as we love them. We try to make sacrifices for those who are dear to us but while doing so we are always faced by some despair and reluctance. We like people, get close to them and start wanting them. We like to call it love. We care about those who are close to us but its very hard to decide wether we should care or not. We expect love when we give it and we demand care when we take care of someone. So where does this whole argument lead us?
We just love ourselves. When we love others we trigger an emotional reaction to  get loved by them as well. When we care for others, we actually play our part to get care from them. Thats what we do. All the time we just keep on loving ourselves. Even when we submit ourselves to His grace, we do it to get His love and blessings. Greed is the innermost trait of human beings. Greed is part of our nature and it's not easy to supress it. Martyrs are the grace of humanity. Greed for a never ending life exists in almost every human soul. Blessed are those who kill their inner demons and hand over their lives to the Great Lord. Immortality was never meant for human beings. Nothing related to us will ever be immortal. We all will die and we should live like we are dying...!

whenever i read an incomprehensible philosophy by Kahlil Gibran or Fyodor Dostoevsky or many other great writers, i feel like discussing it with an old friend. I leaf through books only to find dt knowldge doesn't make any sense if u cnt share it with an inquisitive soul....n d hardest part is, even if someone says something simple i look around to discuss it with u! I miss u ....!

Silence has more eloquence than speech but not always. I firmly believe in the notion that actions speak louder than words. If somebady can't undertsand your silence he also can't understand your words. Sometimes i think it's just a fancy talk but yet again some events convinced me that comfortable silence between two people is as good as a long conversation. Silence and words are part of any relationship. We mostly conquer people with our words but the heart conquered by a confounding silence turns into a territory which becomes yours forever. I am carrying this silence within me and i know one day i would break it with some powerful words.
.
.
.
.
.
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But I am afraid that instead of melting your heart, my words would turn into ice, freezing the incomprehensible hollowness of our invisible connection!

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Whole universe conspires against us and don't let us forget anything. Today I read these words and in an instant i got to know that it's hard to get over somethings. No matter how hard you try, you just can't forget an incomplete story. We keep on making ourselves strong and remove all those things from our lives who make us remember old times. We like to think, we can get over someone and move on, but is it that simple? If it's true that life doesn't stop because of anyone then why do we stop for a moment when our past haunts us? There is no such thing as completely " forgetting" . Once someone gets in your heart and brain, he becomes a part of it. You can't forget someone completely. Memories keep on hitting us again and again  just like waves, but if they stay for a long time, they become a part of us. You have become a part of me and i just can't cut it off. I have moved on but deep down inside i know that i am still there.........like i said there is no such thing as "forgetting you"!

 

Ishq Mein Tere Kohe Gham
Sar Pe Liya, Jo Ho So Ho,
Aish O Nishate Zindagi,
Chhor Diya, Jo Ho So Ho.
Ishq Mein Tere Kohe Gham.
Aqal Ke Madrase Se Uth,
Ishq Ke Mae-kade Mein Aa,
Jame Fana O Bekhudi,
Ab To Piya, Jo Ho So Ho.
Ishq Mein Tere Kohe Gham.
Hijr Ki Jo Museebatein,
Arz Ki Uske Rouh-barouh,
Naz O Eda Se Muskura,
Kehne Lega, Jo Ho So Ho
Ishq Mein Tere Kohe Gham.
Hasti Ke Is Saraab Mein,
Raat Ke Raat Bass Rahe,
Subhe Adam Huwa Namood,
Paon Utha, Jo Ho So Ho.
Ishq Mein Tere Kohe Gham,
Jame Fana O Bekhudi,
Ab To Piya, Jo Ho So Ho.

Hamlet, To be or not to be - Kenneth Branagh

Rizwan Anwar - Aa Ja na (cover)

these words r so close to my heart and soul...won't ever forget them!

"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end."

Kate Chopin

"She had tried to forget him, realizing the inutility of remembering. But the thought of him was like an obsession, ever pressing itself upon her. It was not that she dwelt upon details of their acquaintance, or recalled in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was his being, his existence, which dominated her thought, fading sometimes as if it would melt into the mist of the forgotten, reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing"

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there."


good will hunting

my most favorite quotes of grey's anatomy

"I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people"


"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."


"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop"


"Maybe were not supose to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories admiring the strugle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familar things we know and maybe we're thankful for the things we will never know. At the end of the day the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."




"I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say "Say when". My aunt would say "Say when" and of course, we never did. We don't say when because there's something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better. "


"And still there are times when it just gets away from you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to free falling. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you."


"We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces."




"At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."




"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything. "


"When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. 'Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing."


"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."


"It's not a day on the calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories . . . What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap . . . are a few things worth holding on to."


"I can't remember the last time we kissed. Cause you never think the last time is the last time, you think there'll be more. You think you have forever but you don't."


"lying is bad, or so we're told constantly from birth. honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, i chopped down the cherry tree. whatever. the fact is lying is a necessity. we lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth freaking hurts"


"Whoever said What you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and total moron. Because ... for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world."


"We're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I’ll still be here."


"I've heard that its possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children- we never give up hope"


"A wise man once said you can have anything in life, if you sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is, nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle you better decide how much you're willing to lose."


"The point is we can't help who we fall in love with"


"There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice. And then there are the sacrifices that you cant even figure out why you're making "


"You're right, I should run. But I'd rather be running towards someone than running away"


"But sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can't love you back in the same way. Believe me, son. Living with a woman who can't love you back ... way lonelier than being alone."


"It comes in waves. There's a lull and then another wave hits you. I just wanted you to know that its okay not to be fine sometimes.
I miss him -all the time.... I miss him. It's not waves, it's constant. All the time."


"Most wounds run deeper than we can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The truth with any kind of wound, or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the injury... and once you've found it-- try like hell to heal that sucker."


"In some ways, betrayal is inevitable. When our bodies betray us, surgery is often the key to recovery. When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear. We do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that was lost. And then there are some wounds, some betrayals.that are so deep, so profound that there is no way to repair what was lost. And when that happens, there's nothing left to do but wait."


"Everytime I look at you... I feel better. It shocks me. It knocks my wind out, but it's true. I don't have to have sex with you, I'd be happy just look at you from across the room. And even that, anything, any piece of you. And, hopefully, all of you...that'd be the best thing. Because I love you "


"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers"


"What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again"


"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be; The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want."


"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough - it's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do - as long as you choose your moments wisely. "


"The thing about addiction is it never ends well, because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse."


"The truth is painful. Deep down nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much."


"It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose."


"You know, whenever anyone says something really funny and I laugh I always look around to see if you think it's funny too. Even when you are not there, so I look around"


"I think it's better to have someone, even if it hurts, even if it's the most painful thing you have to do, even if it's the most painful thing you've ever had to do. I think it's better to have someone."

last words of novel

"He [Aureliano II ] had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirrors (or mirages) would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment when Aureliano Babilonia would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth.
One Hundred Years of Solitude"


every word of this novel is nostalgic...it haunts my entire being. it makes me feel as if Gabriel Gracia Marquez deciphered my genes and wrote everything on plain sheets...one of my most favorite novels...

Anna Nalick- "Breath (2AM)" a beautiful song...

Grey's Anatomy Just One Breath - The Devics lyrics

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Music Video