Bird York - In The Deep

18th of december!

certainly somethings are lost forever but the pain lingers on. I still remember the moment i heard about your demise. It was so sudden and unexpected that i couldn't utter a single word.I was unable to cry and i felt that i can't stand on my feet anymore. i remember how i closed my eyes and fell on the ground. I still remember that for the first time in my life i didn't know what this fact actually meant. I looked around myself and saw tears every where. It was freaking cold and my hands and feet were cold. My mind acted in a weird way and i started believing that its just a bad dream and i am gonna wake up! people start coming in. some were crying and some were happy. I saw all of them. I couldn't utter even a single word. I was angry and i didn't want to cry. I just wanted to remain angry. I wanted to fight with the universe for doing this to me. and then i saw you lying on your death bed. Damn you were still smiling!  i wanted to wake you up and my mind was so freaked out that i swear i saw you breathing! i wanted to tell everyone that you are alive and nobody needs to cry. i so wanted to touch your face but i knew that nobody would allow me to touch you. I remember all of it. I was sitting right behind you when people came to take you away. I wanted to stop them and kiss you for the very last time. I didn't want to let you go away but i couldn't say anything! i never felt so helpless in my entire life!  i started running after them and i crossed the threshold and i was standing in the cold and i saw you going away...that was the last time i saw you!  

5 years have passed and i still cant believe that you are not with me. i still dream that you are alive and you have come back! 

i wish i could accept the reality. 

i miss you more and more with every passing day. You are right here within me. 

I miss myself...i miss you dad!

....that is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of bride, inability to arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."
Zahir by Paulo Coleho

but how can you forget parts of your soul and entire existence? ??

I wish I knew how to quit you!


-Brokeback Mountain

am i ready to say Goodbye??

Whenever something comes in my way i stop for a moment to think about the way i should respond. Why do we have to give "normal" responses? why we can't be open and honest with ourselves and yeah...also with others. Why people have these walls around themselves and why do they try to be so strong when they are not? i think about it and i just know one thing for sure that i hate hypocrisy. I am what i am and i don't want to hide my feelings. If i am getting affected by something why should i hide it? ???
Having said that i just want to get to the fact...! to the truth that's troubling me . Yeah i am gonna miss you in a way that i can't make myself understand. I asked myself that why i am gonna miss you, when i ignored you so much when you were here! i asked myself again and again that your departure won't change anything in my life..in my routine. I'll be busy like before..perhaps i would try to make myself busy more than ever. So it doesn't matter if you are here or thousand miles away...! it shouldn't matter...! logically and practically


But guess what???... this rationalization won't change the fact that i am gonna miss you..m already missing you..terribly..horribly.. hating myself for ignoring you like this. Duh! it's not the kind of  story that i wanted to have with you...it's creepy and weird. 
But i am afraid  i don't have any choice over here. 


Well i should pretend that i am really happy that you are going and i should give you a big smile and a gift...and wish you luck and all those "Normal" things that people do...
but the problem is that i am not normal..so m not gonna pretend that i am happy for you and i wont meet you on airport...but yeah i'll buy a gift for you cz i think it would be terribly cold over there and i want you to remain warm...with or without me! 




P.S i hate you for not telling me that you are going...hearing it from mom was the worst thing that you ever did to me!